I got bullied a lot when I was in primary school, so when I started secondary school I felt like I had a point to prove. I started trying to be a hard man. I would pick fights with people for no reason. The way that this usually ended up was by someone's older brother strangling me or worse a gang of lads, much older than me, stamping on my head and hitting me with a baseball bat. In retrospect, this probably wasn't the best strategy. If you know me, then you will know that I am not much of a hard man. If I’m honest fighting and physical confrontation are one of my biggest fears. At the time, my ego was in the driving seat and I was fuelled by insecurity. Thankfully I have managed to restore a healthy relationship with most of these people I had altercations with but my behaviour made me extremely unpopular during secondary school.

When I was 19 years old a couple of friends asked me if I wanted to go to Thailand. My passport was out of date so I had to apply for a new one. A couple of weeks went by and it had still not arrived. It was the morning that my friends were due to fly and by some miracle, my new passport arrived in the post. I dragged my poor mother to the travel agents to help book my flight, we then sprinted to the doctors where I got one of the three hepatitis shots that you are supposed to have. I had no idea how I was going to get to the airport. On the way back from the doctor I spotted my friend in the marketplace sitting in his little green Vauxhall Corsa. I proceeded to ask him if he could give me a lift to Heathrow airport, a mere 3-and-a-half-hour drive; “no problem” he said, so off we set. I made it onto my flight, which was not a strong point back in those days. 16 hours later I landed in Thailand.

Straight out of the airport, it was non-stop hustle and bustle. The traffic didn’t seem to have any rules, no helmets on motorbikes and the majority of taxis were tuk-tuks. They are more or less a moped with two seats and a canopy attached to the back and they are driven by lunatics that swerve in and out of every nook and cranny possible. Everywhere you looked was madness. Nothing seemed familiar apart from the odd McDonalds which just looked misplaced. It was a new world and it seemed as if it had no rules. I remember thinking to myself, “I could be completely naked right now and no one that I know would know”. It was the first time that I realised how much I cared about what people thought of me. It was such a relief to not have to care about that. It was as if you could relax for the first time and begin to see who you are without any external influence. So many things within our own status quo have been created including what's attractive, what's cool, and what’s fashionable. In my new environment, the shoes that I was wearing were no longer cool, my skin colour and language made me the minority and my hair still looked shit. But regardless it didn’t seem to matter because I didn’t know these people. Each and every time I travelled the way I acted, dressed and thought about myself and the world changed. It felt more comfortable. We make so many decisions based on what other people think about us in search of external validation. With this time and space away from distraction waves of realisation came flooding in. Without travelling I may never have become aware of these things.

I still had a long path ahead of me. This seemingly lawless place did not come without consequence when combined with my 19-year-old hedonism. One night on Koh Pangang we met some girls from Manchester that were a good laugh. It is common for idiots from the UK to be drinking alcohol from a bucket. We were all head to toe in UV paint when someone asked us if we would like to enter Mr and Miss Koh Pangang. Being incredibly drunk we agreed. I don’t remember much after that. I vaguely remember being in a hammock and seeing my friend Paul, who you wouldn’t want to come across down a dark alley charging towards a large group of people shouting profanities. The next thing I remember it was pitch black and I had fallen asleep in the middle of a swimming pool on a small concrete ledge. Paul had grabbed my feet and pulled me away from the water shouting “Dear you're going to drown”.

We walked back to our hotel and I had a shower because I was head to toe in dirt. I came out of the shower and Paul said, “Let's go on the roof”. This seemed like an excellent idea. I grabbed my phone and went out to the balcony. I placed both hands on the handrail and I pole vaulted. I don’t remember my feet hitting the roof, I just saw a blue flash and then it was dark. I was more confused than usual. I wondered if I had died. Then heard Paul…  “Dear are you dead?!?!” I started feeling my body to see if I was injured. Everything seemed to be fine. I looked up and as my eyes adjusted I could see a very naked Paul in the middle of the road. I had just had a shower so obviously I was naked. Why Paul was naked I will never know. That was enough for one day. We went upstairs and fell asleep. I woke up the next morning to the sound of laughing. My other friend had come home with one of the girls that night and they had thrown me into Paul's bed. Easily one of the most disturbing things I’ve woken up to. This was only the start of it. I had completely forgotten about the roof incident. It was our last night so we went to the reception to pay our bill. One of the Thai workers pointed at me and shouted “it's him he's the one!”. I had no idea what she was on about. It turns out that she was the manager and she had seen a skinny-ass white guy fall through the roof and land on the pavement from 14ft in front of her office window. They charged me £120 to fix the roof including our bar tab, rent and the electric keys that operated the aircon I had lost. The total was £600. At that point, I realised why I had ripped my way into my bag the night before. I also realised that I had lost my bank card. Oh yeah and smashed my phone. After getting a backpack stolen and crashing a motorbike I managed to turn 3 months in Thailand into 3 weeks. Not ideal but I am lucky to be alive and get my passport back from the bike rental place. Is there any point to this anecdote? All I can say is that I hope that you don’t need to learn the way I did - they still haven’t fixed the roof.

Paul himself

Since then I have done two snowboarding seasons, been to Australia twice and now I am living in New Zealand. Each time I move I try to shake off a bad habit. The first time I went to Australia it was to survive my drug addiction. From there on it has been to learn what it really means to recover from drug addiction. This has meant recovering from my hedonistic mentality. I have been home many times in between adventures and I have fallen back into bad habits but each time however there is always an improvement. Travelling has really allowed me to focus on my health whilst doing some challenging internal work. It has put me in many difficult, lonely and challenging situations but if I am to overcome my addiction and to learn to become more respectful and compassionate it is essential.

The most recent was my move to New Zealand just 9 months ago. It was upon this move that I decided to completely change my surroundings carefully hand-picking my accommodation, workplace and acquaintances. For three months I was living in a hostel in poor conditions. I had various offers for accommodation but each time there was going to be some sort of drama, parties or consumption of drugs or alcohol. With this move, I had decided that it was time to start taking life seriously. I had set my expectations so much higher and I knew that if I wanted to be able to meet them I would need a constructive environment and focus. I held out for months and in a moment of serendipity, I met my now good friend at an outdoor gym. He went on the be my personal trainer and I moved into the house with him and some other great guys. Most importantly for me, no one was using drugs or alcohol and everyone was going to the gym and eating well. If I had not had boundaries said no so many times then this would not have been possible. Because there is no temptation around my mind is so much more relaxed and I am able to focus on my goals. One day I hope to have the skill set to relax in the chaos but there is much work to be done.

"We shall not cease from exploration, and the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started and know the place for the first time. "

T. S. Eliot

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Let's break the chain together

Strength and love