Violence, rape, medication and the journey out

Written by James Dear

This blog follows my life through drug addiction, anxiety and life's challanges. I cover my own experiences as well as the loss of several friends to suicide. I want to share my knowledge in the hope that we can save lives and all live a happier and more fulfilled life.

April 11, 2019

Hi James,

I have read your story and it has unexpectedly made me want to share my story with you.

So here goes…

Growing up I had an abusive father who drank heavily, although never physically hurting me or my brother, we witnessed my mum getting beaten. He would call the shots and everyone listened. You were scared to upset him.

Looking back it was ‘normal’ life for me then but I was unaware of the damage it would cause later on in life.

When I was 11 I was raped.

I didn’t tell a soul for a year. One day, whilst at school, on the way to maths I collapsed and had a panic attack. This was to be the start of a 7-year journey that I never would have dreamt could happen. School found out what had happened, and in turn, so did everyone else, including my parents. Police were involved and they dealt with the case horrendously, so it never got taken any further. He is however in prison now for other child sex offences and is due to be released next year.

It never got spoken about in our household.

No one could deal with the facts and so I was left to ultimately suffer on my own. I didn’t have any help or support as my parents swept the matter under the carpet for their own sanity, not knowing what it would do to mine.

I started bunking off school and smoking weed. I turned from a kind, sweet, loving and quiet girl into a gobby tomboy that wanted to belong somewhere. From weed like most other people taking drugs, I started to experiment with harder stuff, pills, amphetamine, ketamine, cocaine and LSD. At 12 years old I should have been climbing trees and playing with my friends. Instead, I was in an unknowingly dangerous place and this would continue for many years. The harder the drugs I took the more hardcore the people I mixed with. I didn’t go to school in the end, I just sat and drank and took drugs all day every day.

I knew this wasn’t me! I knew deep down that what I was doing was wrong, and I felt like I was in a very dark place, but I carried on because I didn’t fit anywhere else. I started being violent to my mum. I took 3 overdoses from the age of 12 – 17 and ended up in hospital. Even though I felt I wanted to die, I was literally screaming desperately for some help. I had issues of being raised in a volatile family and rape, that alone is enough to send anyone into a prison of mental health problems, but mixed with hard drugs it was the darkest place and never in my wildest dreams did I think I’d be in it.

I had therapy on and off for many years, as was I on and off medication to try and keep me sane. It sickens me to say this, but I turned to sleeping with people to be liked and to fit in. I was mixing with people and an environment that I knew nothing about but I didn’t belong anywhere else so that is where I stayed until I couldn’t do it anymore.

When I was 19, I messed up on some magic mushrooms really badly. It was at that point, I knew I had to stop. I isolated myself and tried to fix my relationship with my mum. I had no real friends anymore as my friends were people that took drugs and were older than me. My real friends had gone many years before. Coming off the drugs was harder than being on them. Depressed, paranoid, emotions were up and down so much I thought at times my head would pop and I couldn’t physically do it anymore. It exhausted me. After sticking to my guns and not falling back into that place I still had demons to fight. I was terribly angry all the time. I hated the world and everyone in it. I rebelled massively and looking back it was like looking back at a different person. Although I am in a very different place now I am still not “fixed”. A year ago I started with yet another therapist who is like my god! He is fantastic and finally feels like he is helping me. Slowly!!! When I started to see him I also had a psychiatrist who diagnosed me with a personality disorder and now I’m on permanent medication.

Although I stopped taking drugs at 19 I am now 26 and there are still so many issues that I need to deal with. Despite this, I am happier and more settled than I’ve ever been. Not feeling at home anywhere used to put the ‘fear of God’ into me. Now I do feel at home, and I would never do anything to let that slip through my fingers. It’s been a long, hard, stressful and painful journey! One I will never forget.

But you keep on keeping on!

Thank you for inspiring me to share my story with you!

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1 Comment

  1. Karen Petch

    The hardest part of a long journey alone is taking the first step…….good luck and best wishes to you. Don’t look back, the future is your goal. Onwards and upwards xx


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